Day 22 How is it lonely…?

Alone but surrounded by people by ~LedZaid

The question I was asked: How is it lonely if you were with someone willing to dance with you?

Some background, I went to my high school prom with a friend and, although I had a date, I ended up feeling lonely the whole night. That would seem a little counter-intuitive since I had a date for the entire night and someone to dance with.  Well loneliness is an internal feeling so in some ways it was my fault.

Let’s see, what circumstances would lead me to feeling lonely on my prom night? Wow, just saying that made my whole experience sound cliché. First, I would probably have to not know my date very well and not have a lot in common to talk about. Check! Second, my date would not dance with me directly. All right a little difficult since its prom. Solution, she would rather dance in a group of her friends but I don’t blame her since the music they played wasn’t for slow dancing. Third, I should probably not know any of the people in the group so that I can be as awkward and unfamiliar as possible. Check! Fourth, my date has to be as clueless as possible or at least pretend to be. I don’t know but again check!

The result is me dancing by myself surrounded by people I don’t know. We have all seen the movies where that girl, maybe guy, is dancing her heart away, alone. Yeah, that is just not me, don’t get me wrong I like to dance but with someone. I wanted that typical prom scene (internal romantic) where my date and I dance to that perfect slow song, but no I just got rave music. That’s what I get for watching too many Hollywood movies.

Then comes the after prom party. Our school decided it would be awesome to throw it at a movie theater; at least I got to watch a movie. Actually, I don’t remember it all because I was pretty distracted. No, the night did not go that way. Rather my date’s friend decided to sit next to us and talk with her for the entire time. Movies are good for being absorbed but if that doesn’t happen then you just find yourself in a dark theater alone. So I got frustrated and left the movie. I know I felt bad but she was talking up a storm so I didn’t really see the harm. She didn’t even realize until much later.

While I was free, I decided to have my cards read to me. I don’t really believe in the stuff, scientist mind, but I always try new things. This was the best part of the night. After picking my three cards from the deck, the ladies face turn sour. I mean I could see the sadness growing in her eyes. I normally count this as the performance but she seemed truly sincere. Then she said “do you want the good new or the bad news?” Are you kidding me? Well I wasn’t in the best of moods so I said bad news. I don’t remember exact words but she said I would have serious relationship issues in the future and that they would all end very badly. For the good news, I have no idea. Guess I didn’t pay attention. The warning was just another cliché because if you have been in a relationship then you know they always end badly for someone. Don’t be fouled into thinking otherwise.

However, the warning does spark an internal fear. Will I ever find that one person who completes me, fills that lonely void in my heart. I was a very different person back then, and if I believe in the fate that was told to me. Then I would hope that changing and improving who I am would be the best way to alter my destiny.

It is what a man thinks of himself that really determines his fate. ~ Henry David Thoreau

Day 13 Loneliness

Loneliness is defined as the sadness one feels when having no friends. However accurate that may seem, the definition is not that simple because having friends doesn’t necessarily mean one won’t feel lonely. Loneliness is a feeling of isolation caused by the idea of being alone. But that definition is recursive, so it has to be false, right? I mean if there was no idea of being alone than no one would feel loneliness. That makes some sense but the feeling of loneliness could creates the idea of being alone. This is very philosophical, but I have come to my own conclusion, just as you may have.

There are two strong bases for the idea and feeling of loneliness. One is that as humans we crave to be in communities, sharing and building relationships, so when we aren’t we feel lonely. The second is that loneliness is a societal construct, taken root in many cultures, which says that having no friends means you must be sad, lonely, and feel horrible. Whichever it is that you believe, I have felt loneliness many times, and I have found that the idea of being alone is far worse than actually being alone.

The realization is that loneliness is just another fear in life, holding people back. For me, it is a fear instilled by my culture not by my instincts. However, I didn’t always think like that. When I was younger, I hated the feeling of loneliness and I could never figure out why I felt it. Of course, when I didn’t have friends I felt lonely but when I did I still felt lonely. It didn’t matter either way I always seemed to feel alone. Alone in my head! I just never felt like I connected to anyone because I always seemed so different. Of course, this led me to feel depressed, angry, and confused. I wanted so badly to be like everyone else. They all seemed to have more friends than I could count and they always seemed so freaking happy! The problem was that there was no solution because it was purely mental. I needed to better understand myself which then allowed me to better understand others.

The true realization was that everyone is lonely and people fight this feeling daily. Our consciousness is stuck inside a brain which creates a world where we are the center focus. Yet, we go through life desperately trying to connect to others. We all want to prove to ourselves that we are not alone. Nevertheless, we are! Hearing, perception, and feeling are just signals created in your head and each person is a black box. We can see the outside, the facade of another, but we don’t know what makes up the inside. So there is no way to prove the existence of another. This may seem sad or depressing but it doesn’t mean we don’t make real connections. Love I have found to be the strongest connection we humans can make but the fall out can be devastating. Because if the love is lost, you lose a part of your world, your mind, which causes a feeling of loneliness greater than anything. Loneliness is an entirely internal feeling but external factors can become internal to our world. Thus, contributing to the huge misconception on what people define as loneliness.

Language… has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone. ~ Paul Tillich

Day 11 Empathizing with Depression

I decided to talk about depression because it continues to be a part of my life, and a friend of mine has become frustarted with her friend who is depressed. Depression isn’t easy and there really isn’t any way I can fully explain it. It’s one of the emotions that can only be experienced, and I hope you never have to.  Just snap out of it, be happy life is good, why not change how you feel, there is no reason to be depressed! I’ve heard it before, I will probably continue too, and it makes me sad. Empathy is emotional understanding and relating, but without experience one cannot fully understand depression, and thus cannot empathize with it.

Scientifically, depression is actually a super focused mind creating a narrow view of perspective. This is what leads logical people to sometimes see no available option, and therefore seem irrational.  So the mind get stuck going in cycles, thinking of something painful, and it slowly starts to ruin a person’s life. Depression can also be caused by hormonal in balances. It runs in my family so I have seen it, experienced it, and understand the damage it can cause. My first wave of depression hit when I was a freshman in high school and, over long periods of time, lasted until I was mid-way into my senior year of high school. It occurs less often now. By senior year, I had lost all of my friends and was heading downwards. I didn’t understand what I was going through so I never expect my friends too. However, it did cause rifts which eventually lead to someone walking away. Slowly I hid away from the world. The irony being that the lonelier I became the more depressed I became. It was a vicious cycle that continued until there is no one left to push away. It’s a horrible feeling.  I tell you this so that you may understand that depression is painful. It’s a vicious pain that is constantly felt and cannot be cured overnight. It takes time, patience, and friends.

I have tried my best to learn from my experience and I am continuing to learn as new hardships occur. However, I understand that a good network of friends make a huge different when someone is depressed. I have found myself without friends many times in my life, to many actually, so I can say for certain that friends are vital for recovery. My friend was joking and telling her friend how dumb and ridiculous her actions were, and she truly believed this was helping her friend. I got a little worried and tried to explain to her that she should be careful with what she says. That her friend was depressed for a reason so it shouldn’t be dismissed so easily. In the end, she said I was lecturing her which I hadn’t meant to do, and decided to stop talking to me for a few weeks. I could tell how stressed she was with the situation, and I wish I had handle the situation better.  All I ask is if your friend is depressed to listen without judgment or advice, because what they need is a listening ear. Please do not dismiss their feelings or get frustrated and push them away. You don’t know how much they need you!

A lot of people don’t realize that depression is an illness. I don’t wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it. ~ Jonathan Davis