Delimit My Life

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing" ~ Hellen Keller

Archive for the tag “insanity”

Day 20 My fear of Insanity

A glimpse of insanity

In weeks leading to my experience, I had been seriously stressed out. Sleeping less, constantly irritated, and just plain grumpy, they would all fully describe my internal mood. Of course, I wore a façade in front my friends because they are not the caring type. They would either laugh or shrug me off, but more likely they would just ignore anything they saw in me.

As it happens every so often college starts to collapse in on itself. Every assignment is due at the exact same time and there is no possible way that it all can be done. Then that idiotic power of procrastination causes you to make the worse mistake possible, putting it off even further. Leaving it to my future self, you know that future you that will have all this magical time for everything. Then top it off with the loss of what some would call my first love. A year and an half relationship severed then to only be followed by three months of almost no human connection (another story). Using some simple addition, no need for subtraction, and we arrive at a self-destructive, stressed the freaking out, mind of an all time high!

I don’t remember much detail about the day because it was probably boring. Just another day at college, but I do remember Math class. I was taking a probability and statistics class which was not super hard. But my mind was jacked up on so much stress that there was not way I could be thinking straight. So, let’s jump right in!

“Hello class, we are going to start our quiz now. Please remove everything from you table” said Mrs. S. Oh man, I did not study for this quiz. I skimmed what I could outside before class but it didn’t make any sense. Ahh, I cannot get a bad grade in this class. Mrs. S continues to passes out the quiz one by one. I could always look at my friend’s paper but he studies less than I do. I guess I could compare but how do I compare if I don’t even know it in the first place? I can’t do this, I am going to fail, so tired, why didn’t I study, why didn’t I, why didn’t I!  Slowly, Mrs. S makes her way around to everyone and places the paper in front of me. I stare at my quiz, panic surging through my veins, and I can’t think. I reach for my pen but what my eyes see doesn’t match my hands. Slowly, like a slow motion film, my hands move forward and pick up the pencil. But I’m not thinking in slow motion. No! My mind is running faster than it ever has, thoughts rushing through like an open faucet.

I can’t do this, I suck, I don’t know anything, I hate this guy next to me! I don’t know the answer, I don’t know, I DON”T KNOW WHAT, WHAT IS IT! This person sucks, HELLO, I suck, I am HORRIBLE, I am WORTHLESS…! I hate math, why am I in this class, I suck, I hate myself, I HATE MYSELF! Die, die, DIE! There is no point, what point, you see a point! Can you hear me, hear you, hear us! Die, die, DIE! Voices screaming in my head, combining and building, collide to create a distorted collage of terror and hysteria. So many voices yelling, screaming at me, deafening my thoughts, fear! Just so much fear! I slowly look around as the voices continue to argue and debate with themselves. As I look at the other students, it almost seems like I am hearing all of their thought in my head. I can almost feel all of their fear over this simple quiz. I feel this heavy weight like its crushing down on top of me, like I can’t breathe. I remember this feeling. No words fully describe it, only a suffocating darkness that squeezes your soul to death! I want to scream! I can’t take all these voices yelling anymore. I can’t even hear myself think. I look up at the door wanting to run out but that would result in more embarrassment. My mind is become so loud that I can’t hear with my ears. My vision is slightly blurry, like my pupils can’t seem to figure out what to zoom in on. This is fear. The true essence of fear not shield by the sub-conscious, but exposed for its insanity. I am insane!

I try to focus my mind in the same way I practice in mediation each morning. Like traveling in your head, I found a place to hide. A dark pit to crawl into and shelter myself from the madness. I push away the voices, focusing on my breathing. One, two, one, two, I repeat over and over again. I can still hear them, all of them screaming, but I seem to have found some control, if you could control a lapse into insanity. I move my hand and try to start answering the questions. My mind still at full throttle answers the questions before I can write the answer. Yelling that I am going to slow, just way to slow. It’s like my mind is trying to sprint but my body wants to crawl. I feel this agony of not having enough time to finish but I do. I don’t know how, but I do. I walk up and turn in the paper. I feel like throwing up as my mind calms down. I start to feel normal, almost forgotten how, as I find that the voices have gone away. However, the horror of the situation remains. Am I insane? What just happened to me? There must be something wrong. How will I ever understand this? Who will ever believe me…?

One person’s craziness is another person’s reality. ~ Tim Burton

5. I fear that I may be insane, a rather rational response to my life.


Day 7 A Week of Cold Showers

The hardest part of this past week has not been waking up each morning to a cold shower but writing about my experience. Don’t misunderstand me, the cold showers are still uncomfortable, but if you ever try the challenge you will realize quickly that the discomfort is short lived. On the other hand, writing can make some people, me included, feel very uneasy. I have read many articles on the benefits of writing, how to write, why I should write, and many more, all telling me the same information. Still, I could never start because I thought nothing I wrote would be good enough. I had come to believe this after years of educators telling me so along with their common misplaced jokes of how horrible my writing was. This was clearly one limit that I believe in and it was holding me back in life!

As you may know, I promised as part of my challenge to blog every day to keep myself motivated. It seemed like a crazy idea at the time, but my life was transitioning into a new chapter, and I let the crazy idea sink in. When I wrote that first post, excitement pumping through me, I was not thinking about the difficultly. Subconsciously, I believed that no one would even read my posts so I had nothing to worry about. Sadly, on my first night, when the realization of my challenge hit me, I started thinking about quitting. I’m not proud of those thoughts but they happened. Eventually, I ended up on my computer deciding if I should delete my blog and forget the whole thing. Then surprise, someone decided to follow my blog. It was like someone decided to tagging along with my challenging and was saying I’d like to see you complete your challenge. I was being held accountable and it gave me the motivation I needed, so my thanks go out to projectlighttolife for giving me that first push.

Today, I jumped into the cold shower and the only thing I could think was that I had completed my first week. Not long ago, I thought of a cold shower as a horrific experience. One in which only a crazy person would attempt each day, because true insanity is not enjoying a hot relaxing shower. Yet in less than a week, I have changed my perspective and given into this supposed insanity. Again in my life, I find out that insanity is purely objective.

Insanity is relative. It depends on who has who locked in what cage. ~ Ray Bradbury

What cage has someone locked you in?

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