Delimit My Life

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing" ~ Hellen Keller

Love is more complicated than a fairytale

Losing-your-first-love

You may say of course, no shit, but I was victim to forever, living in a fairytale with a story book ending. I was lost in a state of mind where love never faded and it had no limits. No place to hide or run away. It was simply boundless, overflowing from my heart, with nowhere to go but to her. There are no words to fully describe her. In my mind, she was more than human, more than she could be, and I placed her on such a high pedestal that I never realized I left her behind.

But, I had found love! For so long, I laughed at the prospect for it had seemed only a myth. There I was, blinded by the toxin, losing all perceptive on what was up and what was down. My world was completely flipped and, rather than falling, I thought I was flying. I felt like I was flying as every moment seemed to last a life time and all I wanted to do was spend every moment with her.

She was more experience, more practiced, in the area of love. Holding her ground of independence, she kept me at bay. However, love is a powerful force and I was playing with fire. With little time, we slowly merged into one being becoming that couple with one name. Losing ourselves, we became so infatuated that no one else matter. Friends faded away and before long it was just us, every moment of every day, no time away or space to move. We had become so dependent that we lacked motivation to do anything with anyone else.

Denial: We would fight daily mostly about nothing just because we were mad at something. It almost became routine. Fights would start, then end, to only be picked up the next day. They would continue for so long that I would forget what I was even mad about. But, my idiotic mind would not care, I was angry so I need to stay that way. Pointless battles were fought and our stubbornness only made it worst. We were both lonely; however, the prospect of leaving each other only scared us more. Who would I have? I don’t want to be alone. I would never stop missing her. So, we kept pushing trying to save a bridge already on fire.

Acceptance: There comes a point when a relationship needs to end. There is only pain and suffering, and the longer we held out the more we got burnt. Sometimes life helps by giving that needed push. She got a job and was finally making friends outside of me. I however was not. At my work, my apartment, my life, there was no one except her. Literally, my work and life was empty of people as everyone was gone for the summer. She finally had the courage to break apart but could not cut me loose. Out of anger, frustration, sadness, depression, I finally ended it. I cut a love that I thought would last forever. It cut deep and didn’t heal for a long time.

Grief: I was completely alone for the first time in over a year and a half. The grief hit me hard as I felt that I had lost my world. I could not see a future and my heart ached in pain. I sank quickly into depression far worse than I have ever been. The first few weeks were insane. I would cry falling asleep, in the shower, in my car, and almost anywhere. I would throw up from sicking feeling in the pit of my stomach that made me stop eating. I would just not get up in the morning, and if I went to work I would leave super early. The time came when I was driving to work, crying again, and I thought of simply turning the wheel into the oncoming traffic. A cruel thought that most people cringe at but I see no point in lying. I was at the end of my rope and I was ready to let go.

Heal: Time really does help. I will not say it heals all wounds, not true. However, it does give more perspective and reflection, and it is up to the individual to use it. It was my brother who saved me from my own destruction. Giving up a weekend, he traveled six hours to hang out with me. He gave me exactly what I needed friendship, trust, and love. Along with a kick in the butt, he helped restart my life with a new purpose, a new focus. I owe him so much.

Perspective: Life is a journey of learning and exploring. My first love helped me grow to new heights, but its loss made me grow in ways I could never imagine. I am not perfect and there are many places where I can improve. Love does not always last but that does not mean it wasn’t real. I had to realize this to understand that I did not waste my time. I learned and grew so that I could be better in the future.

Do not fear love, if you have lost it, for it is love that will heal you.

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