Delimit My Life

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing" ~ Hellen Keller

Archive for the tag “love”

Love is more complicated than a fairytale

Losing-your-first-love

You may say of course, no shit, but I was victim to forever, living in a fairytale with a story book ending. I was lost in a state of mind where love never faded and it had no limits. No place to hide or run away. It was simply boundless, overflowing from my heart, with nowhere to go but to her. There are no words to fully describe her. In my mind, she was more than human, more than she could be, and I placed her on such a high pedestal that I never realized I left her behind. Continue on…

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Day 17 Loving Unconditionally

“What you are saying is that you would not give a thief your stuff if he had a gun pointed at you” argued Sam. “No, it is my stuff and I would fight for it” exclaimed James. “The probability of the theft shooting me is probably low anyways.” Sam stifles, “But you could still die! There is a chance that you be shot so why take it?” James quickly snaps back, “There is always a chance that you will be shot, even if you give your stuff away.” Sam is just flabbergasted, “That is crazy! Do you not care if you die?” “No, why should I? If I die I die.” states James. “Well, that’s depressing. What about you family and friends?” says Sam. James dryly replies “What about them?” “Well… won’t they care?” asks Sam. “Most likely but that has nothing to do with me giving my stuff to a theft.” answers James.

Shocked, Sam says “It has everything to do with it because they are a reason to live.” James slowly replies “I didn’t say I wanted to die but if it happened then there would be no point in my worrying about it. When it’s your time it’s your time.” Sam just sits there with a horrid look on his face. “I didn’t know you cared so little…” James says, “What makes you think that? I love my life but I look at life differently than you. I would fight to keep my stuff because it is mine.” Sam smiles and replies, “But would you do this if a gun was really pointed at you? You… staring down the barrel of the gun realizing, as the panic freezes every muscle, that you might just die! Would you really fight?”

James frowns, “I don’t know. I have been in many fights, ganged up and beaten, but I always stood my ground.  I have been scared shitless as a group of boys surrounded me with no escape. I never won, yet I always faced my enemy head on. It may have been pride or just plain stupidity but I always held my ground.” Sam agrees “I understand your pride. You don’t want the theft to take your stuff because you’re a man. However, you have to think about the other people in your life. How your actions will affect them!” James retorts “I don’t think like that. If I constantly thought about how my actions affected other people then I would never make a decision. This is my life and no one else!” “But you are connected to others, you affect others!” yells Sam. “Your point?” replies James.

Jenny interrupts “You would give your stuff away if you had a wife and kid, right?” “Yes, of course!” says James without thinking. “Hah! So you would” laughs Sam. “Obviously, I would have to think about my wife and kids because I would be responsible for them” says James. “I guess we have come to some sort of agreement then” smiles Sam. “To a degree…” bargains James. “Aghh thank heavens it’s over. You guys just argue forever and ever!” laughs Jenny.

I have an argumentative spirit. I get passionate about things but I try to understand other people’s perspectives. This was a sample of a debate I had over summer with a new friend. What is great about debating is that it forces you to face the facts because they are being thrown at you. They bring to the surface new emotions and thoughts that were hiding. I realized that I have built up walls against the people in my life and to love in general. After talking about a wife and kids I laughed because I was scared. I feared that I have built up so many walls in my life that I would never truly connect with someone special. I feel like I’m miss out on love because I am too scared to let anyone in. However when I thought about my future wife and kids, I realized that I already loved them unconditionally which only made me more scared.

2. I have placed so many walls around my heart that I don’t think I know how to love.

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. ~ Rumi

Day 13 Loneliness

Loneliness is defined as the sadness one feels when having no friends. However accurate that may seem, the definition is not that simple because having friends doesn’t necessarily mean one won’t feel lonely. Loneliness is a feeling of isolation caused by the idea of being alone. But that definition is recursive, so it has to be false, right? I mean if there was no idea of being alone than no one would feel loneliness. That makes some sense but the feeling of loneliness could creates the idea of being alone. This is very philosophical, but I have come to my own conclusion, just as you may have.

There are two strong bases for the idea and feeling of loneliness. One is that as humans we crave to be in communities, sharing and building relationships, so when we aren’t we feel lonely. The second is that loneliness is a societal construct, taken root in many cultures, which says that having no friends means you must be sad, lonely, and feel horrible. Whichever it is that you believe, I have felt loneliness many times, and I have found that the idea of being alone is far worse than actually being alone.

The realization is that loneliness is just another fear in life, holding people back. For me, it is a fear instilled by my culture not by my instincts. However, I didn’t always think like that. When I was younger, I hated the feeling of loneliness and I could never figure out why I felt it. Of course, when I didn’t have friends I felt lonely but when I did I still felt lonely. It didn’t matter either way I always seemed to feel alone. Alone in my head! I just never felt like I connected to anyone because I always seemed so different. Of course, this led me to feel depressed, angry, and confused. I wanted so badly to be like everyone else. They all seemed to have more friends than I could count and they always seemed so freaking happy! The problem was that there was no solution because it was purely mental. I needed to better understand myself which then allowed me to better understand others.

The true realization was that everyone is lonely and people fight this feeling daily. Our consciousness is stuck inside a brain which creates a world where we are the center focus. Yet, we go through life desperately trying to connect to others. We all want to prove to ourselves that we are not alone. Nevertheless, we are! Hearing, perception, and feeling are just signals created in your head and each person is a black box. We can see the outside, the facade of another, but we don’t know what makes up the inside. So there is no way to prove the existence of another. This may seem sad or depressing but it doesn’t mean we don’t make real connections. Love I have found to be the strongest connection we humans can make but the fall out can be devastating. Because if the love is lost, you lose a part of your world, your mind, which causes a feeling of loneliness greater than anything. Loneliness is an entirely internal feeling but external factors can become internal to our world. Thus, contributing to the huge misconception on what people define as loneliness.

Language… has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone. ~ Paul Tillich

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