Delimit My Life

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing" ~ Hellen Keller

Archive for the category “Life topics”

A lucid dream, but no flying!

lucid dream

I have had some crazy dreams in my life and most involving some weird stuff happening to me. I find them amusing because they tell a bazaar and crazy story of how my mind works. Therefore, in the pursuit of discovery, I have attempted many times to lucid dream, to be awake while dreaming. It is not something you can just do, and it takes a large amount of practice and repetition to get the pattern of consciousness to be recognizable in a dream. For me, it happened when I wasn’t even attempting to lucid dream. No, I was actually practicing mediation as a way to cope with stress. It trained me to recognize when my mind started to drift which correlates well in the dream world.

*This dream came when I was dealing with a bad break up and my mind was having a hard time coping with it.

I was sitting on an outdoor table looking at myself from above. Some family members were there and they were all talking and laughing. I never saw any of them, I don’t normally see people, but I could feel that they were there. It’s like walking around with ghost and I only see them if I have a direct contact. Everything was mostly gray and yellow not much color to be seen. It’s a dream so I have no knowledge of what caused me to turn to my right, but there before my eyes was my ex-girlfriend smiling at me. Out of grief and angry, I though “what the hell, you are not supposed to be here” so I swung my arm around to her chest and push her as hard as I could. She flew back, out of my view, in an almost cartoonish speed. I looked forward, to only then glance back, and there she was sitting and smiling at me. Shock punched me in the stomach, but then I realize something. Other than the fact that she materialize back, breaking logical flow, she was no longer my girlfriend so in mind there was no reason for her to be smiling at me.

For the first time, I realized that I was in dreaming. I stood up from my seat and I found myself in the driveway of my old houses next to my car. I kept telling myself to stay calm, repeating it like in mediation, so that I would not wake up. Then I had a thought. I have never flown in a dream so I looked up and jumped, to only fall right back down. Yeah, it frustrated me quickly when I realized that now that I was conscious the dream world had to work in a rational manner. Still, I try several times to fly but I never succeed. With my loss of focus, I soon woke up.

At least, I thought I did. I can’t really be sure because I remember waking up and then going back to sleep but that could have all been a dream too. My mind is very good at playing tricks on me.

Not all lucid dreams are useful but they all have a sense of wonder about them. If you must sleep through a third of your life, why should you sleep through your dreams, too? ~ Stephen LaBerge

Love is more complicated than a fairytale

Losing-your-first-love

You may say of course, no shit, but I was victim to forever, living in a fairytale with a story book ending. I was lost in a state of mind where love never faded and it had no limits. No place to hide or run away. It was simply boundless, overflowing from my heart, with nowhere to go but to her. There are no words to fully describe her. In my mind, she was more than human, more than she could be, and I placed her on such a high pedestal that I never realized I left her behind. Continue on…

In memory of my grandpa

By ShabaoC

By ShabaoC

There are no words to fully express the feeling of loss, to quantify and measure the importance of someone’s life. To realize in the end, you only wish you could have spent more time with him, as anyone would if they knew him. There are those singularities that make such an impact, such an impression, that you cliché them in your mind. He was such a singularity, a standard by which all other could be measured, embodying the name by which he was given. Grandpa!

Our time together was so short, a glance in life, as we lived so far away. Visiting was rare and always too short, but my memories of our time will last forever. In that old Iowa house, planted in the middle of a small town, with its creaky wooden floors and a backyard filled with rows of lawn ornaments, I remember those late nights watching T.V., in black and white, of western cowboys saving the day, being the hero to all. Waking up in the morning to the aroma of jelly toast and eating breakfast across from you. Those times seemed to move at such a slow pace, a relaxed pace, that everything seemed so much more vibrant. Those cold winter snows, so brilliantly white, to those hot, humid summers, to the birds of spring, and the changing of fall, I remember seeing every season.

An old western cowboy, you were the grandpa no one else could be. Looking at your hands, so large in comparison to mine, I could only image the long and wonderful life that you lived. The strength and virtues by which you lived your life like those old western cowboys. A childish image of a grandpa I never truly knew, yet is it not the essence of a man that lasts for a life time, a legacy of memories created? Those memories of smiles of kindness, laughter of joy, and a wisdom only a grandpa could know, he simply seemed to whisper, be happy.

Grandpa, I will always remember you as the cowboy, the hero of the west.

Day 28 Growth happens over time

tree-growing-o

Every day, our society is becoming more instantaneous to our every need. People want everything now, not later, and we won’t wait for anything. No one has the time or patience to wait around for results or progress. This is the reason for quick fixes, “x days” for anything. It’s impossible to search online without finding something about losing weight, learning a language, or building muscles in some short amount of time. However, how often do those quick methods ever work? The simple truth is that growth happens slowly, incrementally, which makes it’s hard to comprehend.

Growth can be represented as a tree or a plant. If correctly maintained every day, it will grow, slowly and steadily, but to the naked eye it will seem to stand still. Gradually, you may see new sprouts appear which signifies visible growth. However, for the most part, the growth is unseen until substantial change occurs. Eventually, the tree will get taller and stronger, and you will recognize the growth. Even comment at how well it is progressing, but then the growth will be invisible again. Next, the tree may bear fruit and everyone will notice the different. They will celebrate the wonderful bounty. Though, like most things in life, the fruit will become common and cease to be interesting. Still, the tree will continue to grow and change.

There is no difference from anything we do in our lives. We grow slowly with possible quick strides forward, like the sprouts, but it takes time. Yet, we continue to believe that we can lose weight in a week or a month. It took time and energy to put on the weight and it will take the exact same time and energy to take it off. The problem is that people don’t see the slow weight gain, they only see the substantial change, tree trunk got bigger. This is why we love the before and after photos so much. We gawk and marvel at the difference because it is so significant, but we lose focus on how much time it took. So, we work at it and make small improvements which people commend us for, but the praise soon fades. Then most people get frustrated and quit, falling back into old habits. The solution is to think about progress like a tree. Every day make a small change, fractionally small, and over time they will add up to a significant difference. Progress can only be made through continuous effort.

The issue with fears is that they are not visible. Progress is hard to see because they are internal to everyone. I can’t simply look at a before and after photo of me conquering a fear. No, the mind adapts gradually. and one day you realize, suddenly, that you are not afraid as you once were. The fear that used to haunt you is gone. So, why is there no quick fix for conquering a fear in “x” days online? People have written tons about facing fears and they break the problem down, exploring possible solutions. In the end, there is simply no proof of the fear. If I show you a photo of me skydiving and I say “I was scared of heights” then it’s on faith that you believe me. For this, I see writing as the solution.

Most people write after they have conquered a fear. It makes sense because people want the answers, instant gratification. However, I think they are missing a large part of the story. Like watching a slow motion film of a blooming flower, I see writing as a snapshot that can be assembled into a complete story. One that gives the audience that initial fear and the slow progress that the writer makes towards conquering the fear, but this is just my philosophy on Delimit My Life. I want to give a complete story of what it takes to conquer a fear!

Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle. ~ Napoleon Hill

Day 27 I’m being replaced…

A benefit from writing and constantly thinking about my own fears is that I become more cognitive of them throughout the day. So when my advisor told me that I need to start looking for someone to take over my job, I kind of smiled, agreed, and freaked the hell out inside. I get that I am moving on and that someone is going to have to take my place. I just didn’t want to help pick the person to replace me.

The fear struck unexpected though so I didn’t have much time to think about it. I just had to agree with my advisor and discuss where we might look for potential students. However, the whole time, I just had this feeling of insecurity running through me. Since then I’ve been trying to analyze the irrational fear and find the root.

The way I see it, I have two major irrational fears. First, the selfish fear, I simply don’t want someone to take over my job because I have worked hard at it. I was the first for my school to work for the company, a test run, and I was successful in contributing to their projects. So, I don’t want to be out shined by another person. Basically, I fear that the person will be better than me, like I said, these are pretty selfish. Second, the unknown fear, I don’t know who the person will be, what their skills are, and if they will be capable? I have invested lots of time and effort into building a relationship between my school and the company, and I don’t want to see that be wasted or tarnished.

Time to kick my butt for those idiotic fears, most were just egotistical, which I have no need for anyways. If I doubt my level of work then I should have worked harder. No excuse, it’s my fault if someone is better than me. However, I did have some concerns that I believe are valid. I don’t know who will replace me, but I want that someone to be awesome. The problem is that I don’t know what I am looking for in someone. What qualities would I deem necessary or required in someone? How do I know if someone is the right fit? These are just some questions that I have to ask myself.

Although, it’s amazing that I get the change to ask myself these questions. I realized that it is an honor to get to choose the person to take my place. It means that my advisor trusts my judgment and thinks of me as a peer rather than a student. I should not fear change for it is inevitable. Rather, I should embrace the fact that I am moving forward and that I can offer the opportunity for growth to someone else.

Help others achieve their dreams and you will achieve yours. ~ Les Brown

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