Delimit My Life

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing" ~ Hellen Keller

Archive for the tag “irrational”

Day 27 I’m being replaced…

A benefit from writing and constantly thinking about my own fears is that I become more cognitive of them throughout the day. So when my advisor told me that I need to start looking for someone to take over my job, I kind of smiled, agreed, and freaked the hell out inside. I get that I am moving on and that someone is going to have to take my place. I just didn’t want to help pick the person to replace me.

The fear struck unexpected though so I didn’t have much time to think about it. I just had to agree with my advisor and discuss where we might look for potential students. However, the whole time, I just had this feeling of insecurity running through me. Since then I’ve been trying to analyze the irrational fear and find the root.

The way I see it, I have two major irrational fears. First, the selfish fear, I simply don’t want someone to take over my job because I have worked hard at it. I was the first for my school to work for the company, a test run, and I was successful in contributing to their projects. So, I don’t want to be out shined by another person. Basically, I fear that the person will be better than me, like I said, these are pretty selfish. Second, the unknown fear, I don’t know who the person will be, what their skills are, and if they will be capable? I have invested lots of time and effort into building a relationship between my school and the company, and I don’t want to see that be wasted or tarnished.

Time to kick my butt for those idiotic fears, most were just egotistical, which I have no need for anyways. If I doubt my level of work then I should have worked harder. No excuse, it’s my fault if someone is better than me. However, I did have some concerns that I believe are valid. I don’t know who will replace me, but I want that someone to be awesome. The problem is that I don’t know what I am looking for in someone. What qualities would I deem necessary or required in someone? How do I know if someone is the right fit? These are just some questions that I have to ask myself.

Although, it’s amazing that I get the change to ask myself these questions. I realized that it is an honor to get to choose the person to take my place. It means that my advisor trusts my judgment and thinks of me as a peer rather than a student. I should not fear change for it is inevitable. Rather, I should embrace the fact that I am moving forward and that I can offer the opportunity for growth to someone else.

Help others achieve their dreams and you will achieve yours. ~ Les Brown

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Day 10 A New Cold Shower

Today was my first day in my new place which meant trying out the new shower. First, let me say, that all of the showers that I have used have one knob that turns in one direction towards heat. So somehow, irrational as it may seem, I always felt like I had no choice in the matter when turning on the shower and keeping it at cold. I wasn’t really choosing cold rather I am just stuck with less heat. However, today I found myself in front of a choice! I either move the knob to the left for heat or the right for cold. What shower actually gives you the option for making the shower colder? Anyways, I know my challenge so I had to move that freaking knob all the way to the right to no man’s land. Yes, I had to choose to make my shower as cold as possible. There was no hint or whisper of heat and I fully felt and appreciated the choice of choosing cold! And it was cold, I mean bone freezing, because I didn’t stop shaking until I was out of the shower. I can only compare it to my previous 4am shower which I remember as being icy cold.

My friend heard me since I probably let out a slight yelp but it was more me laughing at the height of the shower. Again, I am stuck with a shower head that is about a foot shorter than me. I told my friend about my challenge beforehand so it didn’t really surprise him. Also his reaction to my challenge was a little stronger than most since he said “I think people who take cold showers are stupid” (clean version). Not everyone understands my challenge which I think is a good thing. He had a good laugh at me and couldn’t understand why I was doing it. I of course went through the basics but what really caught my attention was that he said he would turn the shower cold at the end. I have been hearing this from numerous people, but I wonder how many of them actually do it. Its easy to say one thing but do another. They also seem to think that turning it cold after being hot is about the same as my challenge. This has made me come to realize that people won’t always understand my actions because they are looking through a narrow perspective. People love their hot showers, even adore them! To the extreme, that people can have bad days just because they were forced to take a cold shower by some unseen circumstance. I know it’s hard to take a cold shower but it shouldn’t ruin a person’s entire day.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often. ~ Mark Twain

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