Delimit My Life

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing" ~ Hellen Keller

Day 24 Being Bullied!

Being bullied is terrible and it makes school more difficult then it needs to be. I try not to think of myself as a victim of bullying, however, denial doesn’t change the facts and there were many days that I was scared of going to school. It became the place I feared the most. Now, I wasn’t that typical nerd or weakling in the movies that gets pushed around. I held myself up and walked with pride, and I always stood up for myself. If someone was going to pick a fight then I would defend myself. Sadly, this is what most likely led to me to getting bullied because they knew that I would retaliate. They found an outlet for their aggression and pain.

The bullying started in fourth grade for varies reasons. Not related to it but I moved to a new school the next year. However, my bullies had friends who also went to my new school so it continued. To explain, I lived in a predominantly Hispanic neighborhood and I was white. If you think that racism doesn’t exist anymore then you would be wrong. Children love to play out there parents’ hatred onto others and that is exactly what they did. I was the “cracker”, “wonder bread”, “bird shit”, and really anything they could think of as white. Verbal abuse was constant but I learned quickly how to play their game. It soon became our own little race war, me verses them. The odds were stacked against me and we preferred to handle our battles with fist. Fights normally happened during breaks, lunch, and off campus. Normally, I would end up in pain. There are many experiences that I will never be able to forget, burned into my memory. However, I would like to share my growth between two particular experiences.

During fifth grade, I was outside playing basketball when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the biggest kid I ever seen walking over to me. This guy looked like he had hit puberty at age five and was already standing six feet tall. Then from nowhere, I was surrounded by five other kids. One of them, their leader, started talking trash to me. I of course turned around to reply in kind. I had to stay strong in front of them, show no fear, because they wanted that. They wanted to break me down but I wouldn’t let them. From behind me the big kid grabbed and twisted my arms behind my back. Fear shot through me and I started to panic. The leader was quickly in front of me and started wailing on my stomach. One after another the punches kept coming. I struggled and yelled trying to get free, to escape my captor. Tears rolling down my face from pain, but I kept struggling. Finally free, either by force or release, I started striking at the leader then at the big guy who had held me. I was ferocious and angry, and they knew it. It was exactly what they wanted to see, me loss all of my self-control. They won.

During middle school, I made the acquainted of a high school student from my neighborhood. He made it his personal mission to beat the shit out of me. I remember very clearly the day when he got his chance. I was so happy and the sky seemed so beautiful. I was biking to school, with my brother on the back pegs, having a blast. Then a car pulled up alongside us and I saw the guy. He jumped out of the car and walked over to me, spouting off. He was ready for a fight, to show me that he was a man. He kept yelling at me to get off the bike and fight, but I stood my ground saying no. He walked up and punched me in the face, knocking it to the side. He continued to curse at me but I wasn’t paying attention anymore.

I was looking at who was in the car now. An older guy seated on the driver’s side smiled and laughed at me. Like there was nothing wrong with this picture. Then I was punched again and he continued to say racist comments, trying to goat me into the fight. However, I was still focused on the car. I could see through the back window a young girl who could only have been in first grade, her eyes staring into mine, not judging me, but confused and fearful at the situation. I could not stop thinking about this innocent girl. How could this guy be so callous in front of his sister? How could he show her such violence and hatred?

Tears rolled down my face, this time not only from the pain, but an internal pain. It crushed me inside that the innocent have to see such hatred in this world and end up becoming jaded, like the laughing and smiling driver.  A bystander to the pain of others. There I was standing in front of my own brother with a choice. I could continue the chain of hatred or show him that violence isn’t the answer. That it is braver to stand and take a punch then it is to lift a fist. The guy eventually left not getting the fight that he wanted and I was never bothered by him again.

It is our choices … that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. ~ J.K Rowling


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31 thoughts on “Day 24 Being Bullied!

  1. You were in the Karate Kid neighborhood without a Mr Myagi:P hehe

    It’s unfortunate it had to go so far so often. I was rarely a victim of physical violence. But, I received plenty of verbal taunting and abuse. I put most of it out of mind so I don’t regress. I remember a few brief stories like faded dreams/nightmares.

    The lesson I learned was to not indulge the bully. Turn the topic. If you can embarrass the bully in front of his peers and then stop them from laughing at him/her, you win. If you can bore the bully out of picking a fight or distract him/her with something of their interest, you win. Engaging in combat rarely garners a win.

    • Haha I could only have wished!

      It seems like most people I know have had some verbal abuse in their life which is sad. I chose to hold on to my memories as a way of seeing how far I have grown. I used to have a lot of anger pent up inside me and I don’t ever want to be that way again.

      I would agree with out but only so far. I think it depends on the bully and the situation. In my neighborhood, making some embarrassed or laughing at them was a sign of disrespect which always ended in a fight. They only had their pride and respect so taunting them would only aggravate them. It’s kind of cruel but fighting was just the way we handled things. I got a serious black eye once for embarrassing a kid once, wasn’t even looking when he took the shot. I’m just saying sometimes there is no way of getting around a bully.

      • Cooksey-san! Remain calm. Let me spit on and rub you senseless. Then, you will forget bully and grow with a fear of older men.

        I didn’t say laugh AT a bully:P That’s sure to fail unless you laugh so assuredly that the bully feels small. You have to be more confident than a bully to deflect one. In my case, being smaller than most other kids put me at a disadvantage. Yet, I had pipsqueak Latino boys pick fights with me as some sort of right of passage into manhood. I remember getting socked in the face by a kid half my size just for the heck of it. Yet, when I retaliated to defend myself, I was the one who got in trouble with the principal.

        I gave a black eye to my first bully who called me basketball head on my first day of kindergarten. Yea, I showed him:P But, I blacked out the whole scene. The bus driver told me what I had done. All I remember was getting mad and turning with my fist out like “Stands with Fist” from “Dances with Wolves”.

      • Hahaha I don’t really know what to make of that…

        Ahh I must have misunderstood your message. See the problem with confidence is that I had a ton of it and so did the bullies. We all wanted to be the alpha dog which meant that there was always a battle for supremacy. I guess I was lucky since I rarly got in trouble but then neither did they. Only once did someone get suspension and that time I did get in trouble. The irony being that I never lifted a fist for that fight.

        Wow, I have never blacked out from a fight, must have felt weird.

      • Too creepy of an impression?:P

        How can you be so quiet, distrusting AND confident?

        I didn’t have such confidence other than in people telling me I was smart or talented. I didn’t have anything else to go on when faced with a bully. I was small. I didn’t care for fighting other than in video games. I didn’t know what to do with myself. All I had were movie references. I had no intention of being alpha anything other than the smartest or most artistically talented kid in class. I didn’t want to rule the playground or school.

        It was weird. And, it wasn’t a fight. It was a quick confrontation after he badgered me.

      • Yeah just a little… =P

        It is quite easy. You just don’t talk. It’s not like my mind is quiet but I like to just observe the world quietly, like people watching. Confidence is just in the way someone acts and talks. If I do talk I am confident in myself. And distrust… well that’s just entirely something else.

        I couldn’t rely on other people for confidence. Someone would say I was smart others would say that I was not. To me, people just say things. All that matters is how I saw myself which would either make or break my confidence. I never wanted to be lose when I was younger. I couldn’t stand the idea of it so I guess that also contributed to my confidence. I never wanted to let what people told me stop me. When I was younger, I used to not be able to run across a street without my lungs closing up and clasping to the floor. People always told me that life and what I couldn’t do. I couldn’t run a mile, I did. I could go out for cross country, I did. I built up to running a half marathon back in high school. So this long winded explanation is that I want to be the one in control of my life, not a bully or anyone else.

      • At the same time, if you always do what you want and don’t listen to others, you run the risk of being a rebel and disrespecting authority. This can lead to conflict or paranoia from that authority.

        I wasn’t that stubborn or determined. I didn’t go out of my way to bend or break rules until I was scared and confused. All through my youth, I was following the signs in front of me. When I became a teenager and nearly killed myself out of fear before finding reason to distrust people and their reputations, I started questioning the rules.

        I couldn’t run a mile, either:P I haven’t tried in a long time. I just walk fast.

      • Yes, well the authority isn’t always right. That is the reason for a democracy because the people should have a chance to change the rules if they are being abused (not that our democracy works very well). That being sad, I wouldn’t go around breaking the rules and disrespecting people. However, if I thought something was unfair or unreasonable then I might.

        Yeah for me asthma was pretty hard to conquer, but I’m glad I did. I normally run the trails I hike on the weekends for fun now. I guess I enjoy being able to run since it used to be so difficult.

      • Bah. Democracy. Democracy by definition might suggest “power to the people,” but American politics has made it an ugly word for Red vs. Blue. An endless power struggle of wasted resources and senseless slandering. Yea, like you just said. Not like it works well. Change or chain the rules? 🙂

        Asthma is definitely a challenge.

        I have always wanted a partner for so many things, including running. I get a lil self-conscious running alone. I don’t know what my stamina for it would be. And, I’d personally prefer to have a smooth surface/track to run (though I don’t want to run a visible loop) where I don’t have to worry about taking a bad step in haste. Walking fast, I can shift my ankles easier around uneven terrain. I probably also should have a very secure music player playing one of my running songs if I go running.

      • I have no argument against that, democracy is “Bah”! It was change the rules, and that is why I repeatably review my posts because there is always an error. =P

        Yeah, it is pretty difficult to keep going and be motivated without a partner. I found that out when I started trying to go to the gym four times a week. To fix that I actually set up a long distance partnership with my brother. We text each other every time we work out and what we did to keep each other motivated, brotherly competition. Haha yeah, I have taken some bad steps in a haste on my hikes and gotten pretty scraped up, embarrassed too since it was in front of people.

      • Well, that’s decent. I started using the internet that way. I met a girl in Spain who motivated me to get out and do things. We went on a parallel movie date and then met back online to discuss the experience. It was fun for as long as it lasted. But, over the years, even that lost its charm…and she disappeared after year one.

        My brother and I would probably bicker in text as well as person. I don’t pick on him for his exercise habits, but he’d likely pick on mine.

        Uh huh. See? I too have taken my worst flops when I tried to “be cool” like the person I went with. I won’t make that mistake again if I can help it. I have to always keep myself in check and do what I feel is right. So what if I am the only person walking fast while everyone around me–happy couples and gay singles alike–are jogging or biking? I am going my speed. I’d be elated to have someone join me for once.

        My embarrassment was often with just myself. Even if I had an audience, few if any laughed or cared. Instead, I would go home in stitches and struggle functioning normally for at least a week. At school, it was like no one noticed. Even injured I was invisible.

      • Yeah, it a lot of work keeping up a partnership, especially, when it is over the internet. So what have you done lately to motivate yourself?

        My brother and I like to think of it as motivational criticism, sometimes we both just want to be lazy, and someone just needs to kick us in the butt.

        I don’t think there is anything wrong with walking. I do my best thinking when I go out on night walks. Heck, you are going faster than the person sitting on the couch, right?

        That suck that people didn’t care. Most likely they were embarrassed too since that is just how people are sometimes. In my case, I kind did some crazy flips down a mountain so the people at least cared to ask if I was all right. Invisibility is a weird thing. I tried so hard to become invisible and then once I was I just wanted to be visible again. We always want what we don’t have, until we become satisfied with what we have.

      • I have not challenged myself at all like you. I feel like a couch potato every time I talk to you:P

        Night walks? I suppose if I felt completely safe then. But, no, no night walk I know is guaranteed that safety. I do better in the afternoon. I should be walking at sunrise, though. I like night walks. But, I wouldn’t want to let down my guard at that time.

        You fell down and broke your crown?…and Jill came texting after?

      • Well that won’t do, I guess I need to work on my motivational skills! =P

        Hmm. Yeah, most people say that when I say I go on night walks. I guess I just don’t think about that stuff as much, but then I don’t live in an area where I have to worry that much.

        Hahahaha that’s pretty great. More like, I broke my back, and Jill was plainly lacking!

      • You won’t turn into some Tony Robbins any time soon:P

        No area is completely safe. When we let our guard down, some freak in the cracks may take us by surprise and make news. But, there are some controlled environments that can make night walks seem like cruising a zoo.

      • Hey, Tony Robbins started some where, but, anyways, I’m not looking to be a life coach.

        Yes, but that is the same argument that it is never safe to drive. Yet, I am guessing, you drive a car everyday. Why then do you risk your life? There is nothing in this world that is completely safe, and I find it tedious to live in fear of every little thing that can possibly happen to me. If it happens then it happened, just chance and probability.

      • Well, call me Mr Tedious:P hehe

        Yes, but there are some crazy drivers out there, too:P

      • Haha all right Mr Tedious better stop leaving the house because there are some crazy people out there too =P

      • You mean start leaving the house…and mixing with the crazies til I go crazy, too. Then we can all finally be one big happy, crazy painting in some hotel that gets visited by a drunk and his psychic son.

      • We are all crazy just some people are better at hiding it. I don’t know if you are referencing a movie but that is a bazaar scene to end with however ending up on a painting isn’t the worst that could happen.

      • I WAS referencing “The Shining”:) That’s how the movie ends–I think–in the Nicholson version. They zoom in on a black and white photo of him among the guests of the hotel as if he was there all those years ago.

      • Ohh yeah, I saw that movie once. I actually don’t like watching horror films but that one was forced through by my film class. It seemed a little over the top to me but I’m guessing that was the point.
        However, now the reference doesn’t make sense to me. Didn’t they leave civilization to go to a creepy hotel out in the middle of no where?

      • The TV version of the film was better in my opinion, more accurate to the book. Over the top in what way?

        The dad was a recovering alcoholic who was offered a job of managing the hotel during the winter while the regular caretakers were away. I think he needed the money. His son was somewhat psychic. He, his wife and son went to stay at the hotel which turned out to be haunted by spirits which tried to take the boy’s “innocence” (and his powers). To get to the son, they used the dad’s weakness to alcohol. I think the dad might have been trying to prove he was a good dad and stay away from alcohol only to learn the hotel had a supply hidden away somewhere.

      • Over the top in sound effects and acting. It all seemed a little off but again maybe that was the point. It just wasn’t my type of film.

        Hmm, yeah we covered more of the cinematography and sound elements of the film.

  2. That’s called chiller-thriller production value:P It’s designed that way for maximum effect. Compared to other horror/thriller films of its day, I think it did a better job of scaring me on a deeper level than the rest which tended to be campy (though, in my youth, they were all scary to me). I consider “The Shining” an intellectual scary film (as a few of King’s are) which is better than just a slasher flick or ghost story. I still look away when they get to the parts with the woman in the bathtub and the bartender’s glowing “second face”. The blood river isn’t too appealing to see, either.

    • Ahh, horror films just aren’t my thing. I don’t think its funny being scared during a movie. Yeah, the woman in the bathtub was creepy, and I would agree that “The Shining” is an intellectual scary film. Seeing the guy go crazy and mad was probably the most disturbing thing about the film.

      • Nah, most of King’s movies aren’t really all that scary. In fact, you can usually skip past a good portion of the film to get to a few key parts. I think “Carrie” is scarier than “The Shining”, but it doesn’t get really scary until she goes back home and sets her own place on fire. You could skip past all of the school nonsense and just watch the first and last 15 minutes of the film.

        In general, scary movies aren’t my thing, either. But, I’ve developed a little tolerance for the ones that aren’t too psychologically disturbed. Danny’s dad going mental was nothing compared to some of the “psyche patients” I’ve seen.

      • Haha yeah I just don’t watch scary movies, never even heard of “Carrie”. I don’t really know how much scary movies follow a story but wouldn’t skipping all the middle ruin the story line? If there is no story then it has already lost my interest. I like to go on a journey in my movies and not get scared or disturbed out of my mind.

      • Never heard of “Carrie”?? Gosh, that’s sheltered:P They only remade it a few times now…and I think they’re doing it again, soon.

        Not with King’s movies:P It seems like the life stories of most characters are totally irrelevant to the nature of the movie. He somehow stuffs a lot of relationship BS into the movie between the scary scenes which often follow a scary movie pattern. You only have to see a person interact with someone briefly to determine if they are the creepy jerk or the violent bad boy who’s going to get whacked/eaten by the monster in the story. Also, all the key events take place when the music gets tense and some action swings through the shot. So, you just skim through the video til you get a scene with people in motion (not sitting around talking). Easy enough. And, you save yourself about 30-100 minutes of listening to people talk about their lives:P He just wants you to think these are genuine people long enough to drag/spread out the shocking scenes. The goal is to get you attached to a character before you lose them. Occasionally, the “villain” tries to redeem himself before being killed in the end.

        His biggest waste of film/time might be “Cujo”. But, “The Graveyard Shift” was rather lousy, too. At least the latter had a bit of moody scenery like “The Burbs” to get you in a Halloween mood.

        I sound like a horror movie expert:P And, here I tell people I hate scary movies. How have I sat through so many? I have no idea. I certainly don’t pay to see them:P…except the Resident Evil movie-disasters I saw because of the games I sort of like. I like the whole puzzle-solving, monster blasting aspect. But, the chilling music, gross sound effects and zombie mayhem gets a bit too intense for me.

        I think the best part of the King’s stories/movies is the concept. But, the overall output is watered down.

        Most scary movies lack the story you desire because people don’t go to see them for that. They go to get surprised. Like roller coaster fanatics. They don’t ride them for a nice meal and romance. They ride them to get a rise out of themselves. A slow, enriching story or fantasy sketch calms a person down and opens their mind. When you want to be on edge or scared/roused, you close off your emotions/mind and slip your nerve endings under a door, waiting for someone to grab or step on them.

      • Yeah, I just don’t watch any horror related movies. Wow, you sure do sound like you like horror movies. That or you have lots of experience watching them. I definitely wouldn’t like getting attached to a character only to have them killed. It just seems morbid to want to watch something that does that to you. Roller coaster are fun, energizing with an adrenaline rush. Yes, scary movies have the adrenaline rush but not in the same way. I am starting to see why you might fear the world around you. I don’t think there is a creepy lurking around every corner because no one has planted the thought that people might actually do it. Yes, people say it can happen but it’s not the same without seeing it. Scary movies make the unrealistic probabilities of horrible situations come true, yeah, that’s not for me.

      • I DO NOT like horror or scary movies. But, when you want to be a film buff/critic, you usually have to sample a variety…which is partly why I haven’t gone pro, yet:P I don’t want to review movies I don’t feel safe watching.

        I also am particular about what I watch in any case. Like you, it has to have a good story. I don’t watch porn. But, if I did, I’d seek out porn with what I presume is a likable plot. But, the little porn I have unfortunately seen was still disappointing even if it was in my general interest (aliens, dinosaurs, mythology, etc.).

        Yea, but that makes for great drama. I am still struggling to complete a story/saga in which the main character loses some of those we viewers get to know. He has to go through the losses to come to terms with his own existence and the value of things like life. A test of the human metal. And, I have a sick little interest in making people cry just a bit:P I do the same with scary bits. Just enough to get a rise out of someone…but not enough to classify it a scary story. I like to inject bits of every emotion.

        I am not much of a roller coaster fan, either. ‘Too hard on my innards and nerves.

        I can’t fast forward or rewind a roller coaster:P I can’t skip past the scary parts and not lose my lunch.

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