Day 21 I am a coward…
I walk around with confidence and independence. Head held high because I know who I am. But, I am a coward. The facts are clear and the verdict served. I talk a good game of conquering my fears but do I? If I were to judge myself honestly and truthfully, would I pass? No, I don’t think I would, because I have been dancing around a fear of mine. I’m a little scared of actually writing about it. Why you may ask? Simple, if I write it then I am publicly admitting it. It would confirm that I am a coward, a fraud, and that I have been using denial as a defense mechanism. Let me be clear, I don’t hide this fear from myself; rather my denial is that I have never faced up to it. I have never taken the steps towards conquering my fear. A quite irrational fear because no one has ever died being rejected!
So that narrows it down, there are only so many things someone can be rejected by and one topic rises above them all. Let’s stop beating around the bush. I am a man so it’s about women. Now, I don’t have a problem talking or conversing, or anything of the sort. I mean I can get bored but I don’t really have much to say about the random squirrel they just saw. It is a horrible phenomenon of shiny syndrome that has taken hold of so many Cali girls. Sorry, went on a tangent (dang-it). My problem lies more in the romantic department. One serious problem is that I have no idea how to flirt, but I have been told that I do it, must be unconscious or something. I just don’t understand the concept of flirting because it’s like this weird small talk that involves enticing another person. I don’t like small talk, it even say it in my personality type INTJ. Okay, so that is weird but not bad. Where is this embarrassing stuff?
I did not date a single girl in high school, none, zip, nada! I did go to prom but that was with a girl that was more of friend. It’s not that I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend because I was. All right, lots of people probably don’t date in high school. Since then I have had two girlfriends, each relationship lasting a good amount of time. Ohh so you faced your fear then? Wow, slow down there internal monologue. I never asked them out or made the first move. Both times they made initial move towards starting a relationship. I don’t understand…? Well, my first girlfriend told me that she liked me, I wasn’t prepared. I responded word for word, “like, like like me?” so embarrassing but my brain lost a lot of blood as my heart dropped. My second girlfriend actually kissed me on the beach so there wasn’t much ambiguity in that move. Ohh so you ask her to go to the beach then that sounds like a first move! No, the beach is like a 15 minute walk away from my college so we were just taking a night stroll. There was no intent in my actions.
The fact is that I have never asked a girl out on a date because I don’t want to be rejected. It shocks almost everyone I tell because the stereotype is that the man is suppose to be “the man”. However, I have been writing about facing my fears so its about time I face this fear. The challenge seems kind of obvious, I guess I have to ask someone on a date…? Maybe I will take a step back and just try talking to someone new first. Everyone has to start some where.
A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave. ~ Mahatma Gandhi