Day 20 My fear of Insanity
A glimpse of insanity
In weeks leading to my experience, I had been seriously stressed out. Sleeping less, constantly irritated, and just plain grumpy, they would all fully describe my internal mood. Of course, I wore a façade in front my friends because they are not the caring type. They would either laugh or shrug me off, but more likely they would just ignore anything they saw in me.
As it happens every so often college starts to collapse in on itself. Every assignment is due at the exact same time and there is no possible way that it all can be done. Then that idiotic power of procrastination causes you to make the worse mistake possible, putting it off even further. Leaving it to my future self, you know that future you that will have all this magical time for everything. Then top it off with the loss of what some would call my first love. A year and an half relationship severed then to only be followed by three months of almost no human connection (another story). Using some simple addition, no need for subtraction, and we arrive at a self-destructive, stressed the freaking out, mind of an all time high!
I don’t remember much detail about the day because it was probably boring. Just another day at college, but I do remember Math class. I was taking a probability and statistics class which was not super hard. But my mind was jacked up on so much stress that there was not way I could be thinking straight. So, let’s jump right in!
“Hello class, we are going to start our quiz now. Please remove everything from you table” said Mrs. S. Oh man, I did not study for this quiz. I skimmed what I could outside before class but it didn’t make any sense. Ahh, I cannot get a bad grade in this class. Mrs. S continues to passes out the quiz one by one. I could always look at my friend’s paper but he studies less than I do. I guess I could compare but how do I compare if I don’t even know it in the first place? I can’t do this, I am going to fail, so tired, why didn’t I study, why didn’t I, why didn’t I! Slowly, Mrs. S makes her way around to everyone and places the paper in front of me. I stare at my quiz, panic surging through my veins, and I can’t think. I reach for my pen but what my eyes see doesn’t match my hands. Slowly, like a slow motion film, my hands move forward and pick up the pencil. But I’m not thinking in slow motion. No! My mind is running faster than it ever has, thoughts rushing through like an open faucet.
I can’t do this, I suck, I don’t know anything, I hate this guy next to me! I don’t know the answer, I don’t know, I DON”T KNOW WHAT, WHAT IS IT! This person sucks, HELLO, I suck, I am HORRIBLE, I am WORTHLESS…! I hate math, why am I in this class, I suck, I hate myself, I HATE MYSELF! Die, die, DIE! There is no point, what point, you see a point! Can you hear me, hear you, hear us! Die, die, DIE! Voices screaming in my head, combining and building, collide to create a distorted collage of terror and hysteria. So many voices yelling, screaming at me, deafening my thoughts, fear! Just so much fear! I slowly look around as the voices continue to argue and debate with themselves. As I look at the other students, it almost seems like I am hearing all of their thought in my head. I can almost feel all of their fear over this simple quiz. I feel this heavy weight like its crushing down on top of me, like I can’t breathe. I remember this feeling. No words fully describe it, only a suffocating darkness that squeezes your soul to death! I want to scream! I can’t take all these voices yelling anymore. I can’t even hear myself think. I look up at the door wanting to run out but that would result in more embarrassment. My mind is become so loud that I can’t hear with my ears. My vision is slightly blurry, like my pupils can’t seem to figure out what to zoom in on. This is fear. The true essence of fear not shield by the sub-conscious, but exposed for its insanity. I am insane!
I try to focus my mind in the same way I practice in mediation each morning. Like traveling in your head, I found a place to hide. A dark pit to crawl into and shelter myself from the madness. I push away the voices, focusing on my breathing. One, two, one, two, I repeat over and over again. I can still hear them, all of them screaming, but I seem to have found some control, if you could control a lapse into insanity. I move my hand and try to start answering the questions. My mind still at full throttle answers the questions before I can write the answer. Yelling that I am going to slow, just way to slow. It’s like my mind is trying to sprint but my body wants to crawl. I feel this agony of not having enough time to finish but I do. I don’t know how, but I do. I walk up and turn in the paper. I feel like throwing up as my mind calms down. I start to feel normal, almost forgotten how, as I find that the voices have gone away. However, the horror of the situation remains. Am I insane? What just happened to me? There must be something wrong. How will I ever understand this? Who will ever believe me…?
One person’s craziness is another person’s reality. ~ Tim Burton
5. I fear that I may be insane, a rather rational response to my life.